Normally I am not the kinda guy to consider age as a factor to determine what a person is capable of and he/she is not.
But of late I have started to doubt my own abilities as I came near to this age, 25. (once more for effect, Twenty Five!!!)
The Reason for this is only One Statement and One Promise I made to myself when I was 15.
A good decade ago, when I was in 10th, the Sir who helped me prepare for my Board Exams, had on one fine day due to some reason or another went on to lecture the responsibility a youth is supposed to have.
Like any teenager and most of my batch mates present there, I didn’t pay much attention to what he was saying, all the things he said that day are a blur to me today. All but One Statement.
He had said,”Think when You are in your twentys, 24-25, the age when your suppose to earn and and help out your parents at home… you ask your father for pocket money… Imagine the Shame!”.
He continued to say a few more things but my mind had started to phase out by then. I started to think about how shameful it really would be, to be that age and ask Dad for pocket money. The thought repelled me. It was not something I wanted, not something I hoped was written in my future.
I promised myself, “No Matter what Happens I would never let this happen to me.”
But today when I see myself struggling to complete my graduation or be it, to maintain a normal day-to-day life, I have to ask myself, “Have I kept the promise to myself?”.
The answer is unknown to me today and now that I think about it its too late to even be asking this question.
For the past 6 years all I have done is recuperate. The most difficult part was to get back on my feet, walk. As strange as it sounds, a normal person learns to walk once in his/her lifetime, I, on the other side of being normal, learned to walk 3 times. Once when I was a toddler, like normal, the second time was after my surgery when I was 13, and again, last year when I started recovering from the 104 degree fevers, nausea, bedsores and muscle degeneration due to being inactive.
Luck favored me when I got a job as the Accountant of the Housing Society I live in, so that part saved me from asking for pocket money. Not that I needed a lot of money to splurge and truth be told, being at home, most of the time saves a ton of cash. I agree, I may not be helping out at home as much as I want to, not that Dad cant cover the expenses, but me being Me and having made this promise, really wish I could do more.
What do I do? I come to Mumbai to finish my Graduation, hoping that it would help me earn more and better, but even a graduation is not enough, you need Masters to get a job which can actually get you a place in society. SO Graduation and Masters takes another 4 years, do I really have 4 more years just to get my first job? or do I stop my studies completely and start working with Dad as an Insurance Agent (fyi, this is my backup plan, Plan B). Or do I just complete my Graduation and get professional certificates, start working and maybe do my Masters with it (this Plan A).
All this is just related to education and career, but there’s much much more (many things I don’t wanna write about, not today anyway) that help me, put myself in doubt. A doubt which makes me think what will I achieve? How will I achieve it?
The problem being that no matter what the world says to me about being strong or brave, all cause I have managed to stand on my own two feet again, its not enough.
I want more, a lot more. I want to do everything I wish to do. And work hard to achieve it. My wishes are not unreasonable and they can be fulfilled. All I need is the strength, more mental and less physical, to get myself through it.
As I near the end to this post (thank god), I realized that due to some reason, call it luck, fate, intervention by God(maybe if he/she exists) the promise was kept. I don’t have to ask Dad for money, well not as mush as would have had to if I didn’t have the part-time job.
So this post help me realize a promise, today I wish to make another, I promise I will not have to settle for anything less than my want, my desire, my wish and like I said, my wants are not unreasonable.
Thanks for reading(if you did).